Ryan reminds us that the contestants have to deliver the goods tonight. Gee, Ryan is so insightful. He also tells us that the theme is songs from the year they were born. Great, this is the show that makes us all feel old. Some of them were born AFTER I graduated from high school.
Naima - “What’s Love Got To Do With It” by Tina Turner.
Naima - your parents are as strange and scary looking as you are. Well, I liked you better last week. I like this song, but Tina’s version is eons better than this. Tina’s version is sexy, and this is not at all. You can definitely sing, but you are pitchy, and this performance does nothing for me. Plus, I think you’re getting a little too confident. Steven said you opened up a can of woopeedoo. J-Lo said she gave you a pass last week on the pitchiness, but now she thinks your pitchiness is consistent. (Didn’t I just say that?) Randy actually takes his compliment away from last week, you sucked so bad. I think this performance was flat…in more ways than one.
Paul - “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues” by Elton John.
Paul, we learn that you like to dress up like a gay cowboy. Why are your teeth so white? Your parents are about as square as they come…yikes! Paul, are you even speaking English? You are a spastic ball of fitting nonsense! Well, I think America gave you a pass last week because they didn’t know the song…but this? They are not going to let this slide. This is garbage. The stinky kind. Households all over America are getting out their Glade air fresheners to rid themselves of your stench. Before, I just couldn’t stand to watch you, now I can’t stand to listen to you either. Yuck. Two Thumbs way down from me. J-Lo said she could tell you were struggling…I’m sorry…did she say you sounded good? Randy spoke the truth…you were pitchy, then name drops for five minutes so everyone knows how important he is. Steven said you go off a little bit on the notes, but it’s cool. Wait…isn’t that what they just spent 10 minutes slamming Naima for? I guess it’s ok for you. Whatever. Your days on Idol are numbered.
Thia - “Colors Of The Wind” by Vanessa Williams.
We learn that Thia did not get her singing voice from her mother. Thia, I like this song, but I’m sure I won’t like your version. You sing through your nose. This is a bland version of a song that is not overly exciting to begin with. You are pitchy, have a goat vibrato, have trouble with your lower register, and on a side note, -- your dress is ugly. Randy thinks the vocals were ok, but you sing too many ballads and you are boring. Steven wants to know if that song is who you think you are…and then you spout off something about it being relevant to current events. What are you talking about? J-Lo hated your vibrato. Wait…didn’t I say that? Dang, I’m good. I hope you and your goat vibrato take a hike sooner rather than later.
James - “I’ll Be There For You” by Bon Jovi.
James was a little chubby wubby when he was a baby, and loved to play with dolls. (Thanks Mom.) Well, you get bonus points from the beginning because I love Bon Jovi. Finally - someone who can sing -- and a song I like on top of it! I actually like the arrangement - it’s a little different, but not so different that it ruins the song. The song is perfect for your voice, and Bon Jovi is NOT easy to sing. There probably aren’t many guys who could pull it off successfully. You sang it with ease. I like how you didn’t go overboard with the screaming either. Steven he has left over sandwiches under his bed older than you, and that you shouldn’t get too popp-y. I’m sorry, is Bon Jovi more pop than Aerosmith? J-Lo said you made her act a fool, and that you’re amazing. Randy said you were pitchy, but you made it your own. I thought you rocked. You were the best tonight so far by about a million miles.
Haley - “I’m Your baby Tonight” by Whitney
We learn that Haley was an ugly baby. Yeesh! I know, I know, I’m mean. Look at Haley’s mom with her cleavage hanging out singing “Black Velvet!” You can definitely see where Haley gets her skanky streak from…Well, this is the wrong song for sure. This is even surpassing my expectations of suckiness, and trust me, they were high! Your red lipstick is all over your face and teeth. Haven’t you ever heard of lip stain? It doesn’t come off, dummy. You are a hot mess! Why do you always make faces like you are having problems going to the bathroom? J-Lo said you seemed tense. Randy said you confused him, and that you don’t know who you are. Steven tried to be nice while telling you that he really thought you sucked. I think there were so many bad things about this performance, that my fingers couldn’t even type fast enough to get them all in. Go home already!
Stefano - “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” by Simply Red
Stefano’s dad looks like Howie Mandel. Stefano, why you gotta slam on some of my favorite middle school music? Your tone is good for this song, but I tire quickly of your over singing and your unnecessary runs. This performance is just….there. Randy said it was the best performance of the night. I don’t know about that. Steven said your phrasing was beautiful. J-Lo said the song was perfect for you, and you could take this thing. I think the judges must have all been hitting the pipe on the break, because you were not THAT good. Just OK.
Pia - “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” by Whitney Houston
Look at super cute little baby Pia singing Whitney! Awww…she loves her grandpa. Pia, you know I think you’re beautiful, but I’m not sure how I feel about your Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man jumpsuit. I don’t love this arrangement, but it really doesn’t matter because you can sing anything. I do think you went a little overboard with the runs, but I can forgive you because you are still one of my favorites. You have a fabulous voice. Steven thought you were over the top. J-Lo said it was perfect for you. Randy said every week you produce amazing vocals. I definitely think you are one of the front runners to win the whole thing.
Scotty - “Can I Trust You With My Heart” by Travis Tritt
We learn that Scotty was a chunky Elvis-lovin monkey. I like your personality, Scotty, but a lot of your mannerisms while your singing get on my nerves. The other problem with you is that you aren’t versatile. You do sound good, however, and I don’t think you are going anywhere anytime soon. You had a solid performance, and you’re not super annoying, so I’m good with it. J-Lo said you made her go…”what??” Randy name drops some more in case you forgot he was important. Steven said keep knowing who you are, and you’re going to go places. I think you had a pretty good night.
Karen - “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dayne
Karen - why are you dressed like Judy Jetson? Personally, I think you are singing this song a little too “sweetly.” You sound good, but Taylor’s version was really passionate, and this, to me is just a little boring. The problem is…you are the same “kind” of singer that Pia is, and she just blows you out of the water. Randy said it started a little rough, but you hit it by the chorus. Steven said he loves it when you break into your ethnic “what it is-ness.” J-Lo said you need to play to your strengths. I thought you were ok, but not amazing.
Casey - “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana
We learn that Casey’s parents are old and like to use big words. Casey - everyone my age is going to hate you if you screw up this song. I definitely like you better when you have an instrument in your hand. Surprisingly, I don’t hate this performance like I thought I would. I appreciate how you are always so committed to your performance. It was actually pretty good. Steven said you have the goop that good stuff is made from. J-Lo thought it was a little screechy. Randy said …oh wait, Randy name dropped again. I’m so over that!! Good job Casey. Maybe if you get rich and famous you can talk about all the famous people you know like Randy does.
Lauren - “I’m The Only One” by Melissa Ethridge
I take issue with Lauren’s mother’s big hair and ugly hats. Fashion faux pas galore! Her mom thinks she is the same age as Lauren. Well, the beginning of the song was pretty rough…now that you’re into the chorus, you sound pretty good. I still don’t feel like you are as good as you were in some of the earlier rounds. I really like you, but you’re gonna have to step it up if you don’t want to get the boot. J-Lo said your voice was strong on the song. Randy said it was very nice, cold or not. Steven said your strep throat made you sing better. I think it was better than last week, but I still didn’t love it.
Jacob - “Alone” by Heart
Jacob’s mother is off the chain! Hahaha! It’s funny, because their speaking voices sound really similar. This is a really different song choice for you. It could go either way. I just remember hearing Carrie Underwood singing it, and she killed it. I dunno, this doesn’t exactly do it for me. You can sing…you’re very talented, but I like this song too much for you to murder it like this. Also, is it me, or do you sometimes just sing (scream) in whatever key you want to regardless of the band? This did not work for me…at all. Randy said it was a nice performance, and called you a genius. Steven said a bunch of stuff that made no sense. J-Lo said it was amazing to watch. I’m over you overly-dramatic singing.
In my opinion, there were only two really good performances tonight - Pia and James. Other than that, it was either just OK, or plain bad. Going home? Paul or Haley.
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